tag:beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk,2009-11-09:/MokoFeed2009-11-09T10:06:11+01:00tag:beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk,2008-12-09:/2008/12/09/more-than-just-a-party-5190458/EllenRipley2008-12-09T15:32:45+01:002008-12-09T15:32:45+01:00 <p>Tuesday are my favourite day of the week, but perhaps the most simple and repetitive. Every tuesday around 10 I get up, go downstairs, make a pot of coffee and watch a weeks worth of recorded episodes of the gilmore girls in my PJs. I sit on the same spot of the sofa and occasionally get up to grab a bite to eat. Then, later as everyone comes home I go up to my room and relax even more by listening to music or googling my latest celebrity crush. This is followed by a ncie bath and a relitivly early night. I love tuesdays. </p> <p>TOday, however, will be different. Although up to this point the day has follwed its normal pattern, very soon I will begin preparations for tonight, the annual staff christmas party. A night I have been looking forward to for so long I can barely remember the day I bought my dress for it. I've tried the dress on about a milion times since I bought it, I've experimented with various hairstyles and make up in order to look my best on the night. Why is tonight such a big deal I hear you ask? Well, to be honest I was hoping this would become clear to me as the day came closer, but apparently not. Perhaps I'm thinking that it will be the night petrelli finally tells me how me feels about me and all this confusion will be washed away, or perhaps its the night I will truely show him that no matter what comes of our 'encounters' I am fine with it, and the world goes on. Or perhaps, I need to prove to myself that I can still have fun without a male or male attention. All I need is me. And perhaps some alcohol?</p> <p>I have a theory. This year has been life changing, though nothing particularly massive has happened, on the surface. This year I have grown in more ways I imagined possible in such a short time. The experience with Colin and the pain I felt showed how strong I can be, and made my skin that bit thicker. All the drama with friends, and responsibility I have been given has forced me to grow up, and see thigns differently. I have learnt that the only person in life that I need to prove anything to, is myself. And that I can be my own best friend, and I can get through anything. C all it growing up, call it whatever you want, but this year has been the start of something great. </p> <p>Therefore, I believe tonight is not just the staff christmas party, its my own personal celebration of the person I have become, and the person I will continue to become. So bring on the amazing dress that makes me feel like a movie star, bring on the alcohol and bring on the cheesy music that I will dance to and believe I and dancing to well when in fact the alcohol is making me belive when I really just look ridiclous. Bring on the good times, and bring on the new year, say hello to me. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk/2008/12/09/more-than-just-a-party-5190458/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk,2008-12-07:/2008/12/07/mindless-depressed-drones-5175471/EllenRipley2008-12-07T13:17:20+01:002008-12-07T13:17:20+01:00 <p>The city in which I live is not a bad place, its not far away from everywhere else, its got a variety of shops and a vibrant music scene. Anyone who visits it would love it, yet I feel like I'm trapped in a bubble. </p> <p>Its hard to describe exactly what life islike here, and to be honest I have nothing particular to complain about. I used to think that it was just my perception that needed to change in order for me to start enjoying life here properly, but it has become clear that whilst I have enjoyey my life here so far, it has an expiration date. People who stay here beyond their mid twenties all have the same symtoms. They all loose their abilty to see beyond the borders of the city, dreams become their master, thought becomes their aim, and as I discovered recently most of them are on anti-depressants. This doesn't surprise me. Its almost like the city begins to eat away at their souls and they become nothing but part of a herd. They fool themselves into thinking they are on top of the game, and that they like their lives, but its clearly evident that they use alcohol, drugs and each other to ignore this fact.</p> <p>They all create drama from nothing because they are so bored with their miserable lifes that they are desperate for the slightest bit of purpose, and they are unable to see this. Every weekend they go out and over indulge themselves with alcohol and illegal substances in an attempt to escape the realization that they lead non existent lifes, does that make any sense?</p> <p>My greatest fear? That I will loose this ability of vision and become nothing but part of the herd. Already I have found myself dragged into this dramas which they create and desperate to escape it, I feel myself being pulled in. They aren't even aware of how pathetic they all are, and I feel isolated being the only one who can see this, I can't be the only one, can I? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk/2008/12/07/mindless-depressed-drones-5175471/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk,2008-11-11:/2008/11/11/ultimate-betrayal-5018993/EllenRipley2008-11-11T17:53:26+01:002008-11-11T17:53:26+01:00 <p>Today I could have just stayed in bed, and cried, and blamed myself. I could have just lay there, questioning, and going over everything in head. But I didn't. Instead I got up, and told myself I wouldn't cry, and that I am a strong person now and I can get through anything. </p> <p>Ever since we were little, my younger sister has always wanted anything I had, and then claimed it was hers to begin with. She's always flirted with my exes, and tried to be-friend all the people in my life. And no matter how mad she's made me, I've always forgiven her because she's my sister, and thats what family does. I've always been there for her, when she got pregnant at 16 and then lost the baby I stayed with her, when she broke up with her long term boyfriend I did everything in my power to make her feel better and let her know she wasn't alone. I've never asked for anything in return, nor did I expect anything in return. This is why her behaviour recently has been so hurtful.</p> <p>Firstly, as we are sitting eating in town with our mum, and I see Colin's new girlfriend and become a little down because it, she begins to talk about her and how they've suddenly become good friends. Just a short while ago she was at my side, pretending to stick up for me and now she's doing this. This is only the begginning.</p> <p>Last saturday I decided to stay in, save some money and just watch a movie. She calls me, she's with a mutual friend of ours and Petrelli. I know her, this is something I ahve that she wants, and immediatly my night is ruined. I love my sister but I don't trust her one bit, especially with alcohol in her. Although he's texting me most of the night and wants me to come out, and I wake up to find a list of messages form him, he wants to see me. I later hear about how my sister was hanging round with him most of the night, and flirting with him. One eprson even asked her how long they'd been going out. It annoys me because when I first showed him to her, she said how unattractive he was, and now she's all over him. Its completly humiliating.</p> <p>The worst of it is that she doesn't even feel guilty about it, in fact she's flaunted in my face that she was out with him and I wasn't. When I first showed signs that I wans't happy with the fact she was out with him, she said 'he said you'd act this way'. I know for a fact he wouldn't say this, and I know he isn't interesting in her in that way, and he was just trying to be friendly to a family member of mine, but she honestly thinks she has a chance. Every friend I have spoken to agrees that she has really crossed the line here. And althought nothing happened between them, I can't even look at him anymore. She has completly ruined it for me, and I hate her. This is the very last straw, and I have NEVER been more serious when I say that I NEVER EVER want to see her again. I don't want any kind of relationship with her. All she does is hurt people, she has laready caused enough hurt in out family and I am ashamed to be related to such an unfeeling, insensitive BITCH. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk/2008/11/11/ultimate-betrayal-5018993/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk,2008-10-29:/2008/10/29/addiction-4952478/EllenRipley2008-10-29T20:22:12+01:002008-10-29T20:22:12+01:00 <p>Alcoholics are advised to remove themselves from their current lifestyle when trying to break free from their addiction. When drug addicts try to get clean they must similarly remove themselves from their usual environment in which temptation surrounds them. This got me thinking, how then, does someone addicted to 'love' (or in my case falling for someone) escape this dangerously tempting environment when I have to visit this place every day? </p> <p>Working with Petrelli has been postive in many ways, we've been able to get to know each other on a friend basis so its been much more cofortable than those awkward first few dates but on the otherhand always seeing each other doesn't give him the chance to miss me. Perhaps I'm getting too ahead of myself here, but I'd like to think I'm learning from past mistakes. The other day I hard the lyric 'if you never learn to read what the signs say, how do you know you're going the right way?'. And whilst I was looking at old photos of work nights out, and I saw a girl who used to work there that Petrelli had slept with previous to me, warning signs screamed at me 'He's a player, don't believe him'. Just one thing, he seems genuine, and there is something between us. I'm not sure whether I trust my instincts anymore, I thought I was safe with colin, thats things would go well and he would never hurt me, and he caused me more hurt than I ever imagined possible.</p> <p>Everywhere I look, the signs are there, 'nine times out of ten times friends with benefits won't go any futher'. I was fine at first, but maybe I should stop now, before I get any deeper and he doens't know and I get end up getting hurt. Or should I tell him how I feel? You see, to me there isn't much of a difference between my addiction with love, and adiction to drugs or alcohol. I know what I'm doing is hurting me, but I can't stop now, I've had some already and with every drop I get I want more. </p> <p>Should I continue down this road in the hope that the desination will be different from last time? Or sill I just find myself at the same dead end? Any suggestions welcome! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk/2008/10/29/addiction-4952478/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk,2008-10-26:/2008/10/26/oh-saturday-how-cruel-of-you-to-go-away-4933675/EllenRipley2008-10-26T13:37:22+01:002008-10-26T13:37:22+01:00 <p>I had an amaazing weekend, it was just what I needed. Al of the crew travelled through to glasgow from all corners of scotland to spend it together for one of our friens last weekend with us before he journeys to India for afew months. The drinks kept flowing all night and we were all on high spirits, and it felt good to be surrounded by them all at a time when I seem to be unsure of how I feel, it was nice to just escape all that and have some fun with my friends. </p> <p>Nights out with this group of people always tend to be the most bizarre and crazy. I slept in a bed with two practically naked boys and we all wrestled each other and had each other in absolute hysterics. The banter never stopped, even when the morning came and brought us all some lovely hangovers. </p> <p>One thing made me shudder a little, the outbox on my phone. I think phones should have some kind of device on them wich disables text meesages or phonecalls if the person making them is drunk. I cringed when I saw the content of messages sent to petrelli, but the amount. We had been texting each other anyway but it seemed to get to a point when he obviously went to sleep and I kept repeating myself. I had no choice but to sent yet another message, I kept it short and sweet 'shit, what an absolute drunken idiot i can be, sorry'. To my delight he replied and a wave of relief washed over that the awkward 'hello' on monday morning at work wouldn't happen. He even text me later that day, andour little exchange of text messages continued late into night, I dropped very subtle hints but to no avail. He either didn't pick up on them, or wanted me to be the one to suggest we meet up that night. Either way, I was a little disspointed but it was probably a good thign seen as I was exhausted after just two hours sleep and the bus journey from hell which had lasted double the time it should ahve due to the weather. Next weekend is looking promising though...<img src="/img/smilies/icon_wink.gif" alt=";)" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk/2008/10/26/oh-saturday-how-cruel-of-you-to-go-away-4933675/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk,2008-10-23:/2008/10/23/the-danger-of-thought-4919509/EllenRipley2008-10-23T19:22:47+02:002008-10-23T19:22:47+02:00 <p>At the age of 18 I already feel tired of this cycle of 'meet someone - get to know them - sleep with them'. Does this mean I'm truely read for a serious relationship? Or does it mean the opposite? I've never been very good with relatioships, and although I'm not blaming myself entirely for their failure, I've come to realise that my paranoia slowly rears its ugly head and silently destroys anys security I had with that person. 'Does he still like me?? - why is he sitting so far away from me? - why is he taking so long to reply to my text?'.</p> <p>I've been told I think too much, I analyse things over and over in my head, and I know this, yet I can't seem to stop it. Is it even possible to just stop thinking about things? Thinking is dangerous, its kind of like cooking, except I don't put in all the right ingredients, and I chuck in a few thigns I shouldn't - the end result isn't always going to taste nice. </p> <p>I'm exhausted of repeating this process, and although I'm over colin I still feel numb from the whole situation. At the same time I feel like if I stay away from 'boy world' for too long, it won't do me any good either. I like petrelli, and he likes me, but is it a friends with benfits thing? Or something else? Maybe its time I confronted him? Going on with this thign we have could potenially cause me hurt unless I'm honest with him, but changing it now could cause an end to something before its really started. My mind is like a never ending maze, and perhaps its time to give up and just fly out of it. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk/2008/10/23/the-danger-of-thought-4919509/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk,2008-09-23:/2008/09/23/unstoppable-4769126/EllenRipley2008-09-23T18:33:27+02:002008-09-23T18:33:27+02:00 <p>From now on (or at least for now) I've decided that I won't let my heart make any decisions. This whole thing with Petrelli will be decided by my head because as past records will show, my heart has never quite lead me in the right direction. I'm not saying there is a right direction, and I have learnt important lessons that I won't forget, but I think its time to let my ehad take the reigns for a while. </p> <p>While my heart says 'go for it with petrelli', my head is telling me to just enjoy this time time myself, and just see what happens. If it happans it happens, if it doesn't, so what? The hard part os controlling the urges, the urge to text him, the urge to flirt with him etc etc. After our first night together afew months back, I was still thinking about colin all the time, so I appeared uninterested in him, i didn't flirt or give any signs I expected anything else to happen. Because I didn't, at that time the only boy I wanted was Colin. And this made him want me even more, so I did the maths. </p> <p>I can't force anything, and anyway, I don't want anything serious, just something light. I have accepted the fact that if nothing happens, it doesn't matter, and its not a reflection on me. I feel like I'm taking a step forward for once. I'm using my head, and I like it. I love myself, (something which shouldn't be made to sound big headed) and nobody will ever take this away from me again, I won't let them. Life is going good, and I am happy. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk/2008/09/23/unstoppable-4769126/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk,2008-09-16:/2008/09/16/new-beginning-again-4736934/EllenRipley2008-09-16T19:41:15+02:002008-09-16T19:41:15+02:00 <p>The internet is a very dangerous thing, and althought bebo/facebook/myspace pages enable us to have a noosey through people's profiles it can also deliever things to your attention that you'd rather not know. Whilst enjoying my weekly wander through my friends pages, I came across colin's new girlfirneds page, and saw photos of them together. Although I am over him as much as I can be, and wouldn't actualy want to get back together, it made me crumble. I had a weak moment and contacted him, this contact was not welcomed and I ended up feeling comletely ridiculous and desperate. </p> <p>However, as my friend put it, this is perhaps whats I needed. It was the very final chapter in the book of why I can do better than Colin. Irt gave me the push I needed.</p> <p>Lately I've been feeling like I don't know if I'l ever really feel the way I did with Colin again. I know I'm young, but every guy I've been with since, theres just been no chemistry there, and these guys (only two!)are hotties! </p> <p>I was out at the weekend, and was really enjoying myself, and to my surprise as everyone left it was just me and the guy I work with left (the one I went home with only a month ago). I didn't expect anything to happen, but once again we ended up spending the whole night talking, and dancing and I went back to his. This time was different though, this time it wasn't just about sex, it felt like we really clicked. And after a great night, we spend hours the next morning just tlaking, about everything. It was really nice and made me think - what if there is something here?</p> <p>Since colin, I've not wanted to date anyone, I've just enjoyed being on my own. I've had absolutly no desire to date anyone either. But with petrelli (thats my code name for him at work), it feels right. Its pretty hard to explain I guess. He's a lot older than Colin, he's open minded and ambititous, and sweet. I found it surprising how comfortable I felt with him. But I don't want him to think that just because we've slept together he has to form a relationship with me, I just want to spend mroe time with him, and from the vides I got that morning, I think he does too?</p> <p>Only time will tell... </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk/2008/09/16/new-beginning-again-4736934/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk,2008-09-11:/2008/09/11/hmm-4714964/EllenRipley2008-09-11T20:48:59+02:002008-09-11T20:51:37+02:00 <p>I don't really know why I'm writting a blog at this moment in time, I just feel the need too - perhaps in an attempt to make sense of the mass of information currently swirling around in my mind?</p> <p>The situation with my friend Fro who likes me is still the sam,e if not worse. I'm not sure how much more I can hint that these feelings are not going to ever be returned. If anything its beginning to make me wonder if we can even be friends anymore, unless he can accept the fact nothing will ever happen between us, I'm not sure how we can make a friendship work. It feels too weird now, and all the things I previously enjoyed about his company are begging to irritate me. It seems that the only way for him to get the message would be for me to literally shout and scream ' I DON'T WANT TO FUCK YOU', which seems to me (correct me if I'm wrong) to be a tad too much?</p> <p>Right now, I can't quite explain it but I don't WANT to be with anyone. I guess it sounds a little lame but I really am just enjoying my own company right now, as well as the company of friends and am just focusing on having fun. I guess I've finally realised that having a boyfriend doesn't mark the cherry on top, but just an enhancement of something that should already be good. Does that even make sense?!</p> <p>Without sounding big headed, I seem to be drowning in attractive boys who are interested in me. But it doesn't matter how perfect they are, not one of them can fill the void. I'm thinking void is maybe a little too strong a word for what I'm trying to describe, I think I'm at a point in life where I just want to find myself before I find anyone else. I want to feel whole without needed another half to validate this. </p> <p>Things will be ok, I just have a journey to experience. Its always darkest before dawn... </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk/2008/09/11/hmm-4714964/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk,2008-08-19:/2008/08/19/erase-and-rewind-4610367/EllenRipley2008-08-19T20:17:58+02:002008-08-19T20:17:58+02:00 <p>One of my close friends is male, I've had numerous people say that 'we should be together'blah blah blah, and I've always just laughed it off. I never liked him in that kind of way and found it weird to ever think that. But the seed was planted in both out heads and one night when we were both out we attempted to flirt to est the water. I didn't feel anything, it actually felt wrid, almost like I was flirting with a brother. The problem is, he liked it. </p> <p>I'm a very touchy feely person with my friends, I like body contact and I don't always mean it in a sexual way. This is emphasised when I'm drunk, and I think he has taken all these otherwise normal signs of friendship to mean that there is a possibility of something beyond friendship. Last weekend, I recived a lecture from his friends, apparently I was just leading him on and needed to be straight with him. This annoyed me, why was I the bad guy when not too long ago when I was thinking about exploring the possibility of an 'us' he was saying about how he didn't see the point in being in a relationship, and completly rejected the idea of ever having agirlfriend right now. He said this yet I am the one being condemned for leading him on?!</p> <p>Apparently last weekend whilse we were all out, he spoke to one of my best freids and asked her if he was wasting his time me, and said I don't know what I want. Maybe I don't know what I want, but I do know what I don't want, and thats anymore boy drama. I'm sick of it, and I can't take anymore of it. If he really cared about me, and was thinking about me, he would know that I've just been through one of the hardest things I've ever gone through, and that the last thing I need is more complication with boys. How am I supposed to 'be straight' with him when he hasn't actually informed ME of these feelings?</p> <p>I can't help but think he doesn't really like me, he just thinks he does because other people have planted this idea in his head. He thinks he should like someone because he has never had a girlfriend and because I'm the girl he is closest too that person should be me. Yes he is a close friend, but whenever I've tried to tell him things, about how I'm feeling or why, he's not the most available person emotionally. </p> <p>I just don't know what to do. I don't need boy drama, especially not with something I've thought of as a friend for so long. I' don't deserve this. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk/2008/08/19/erase-and-rewind-4610367/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk,2008-08-10:/2008/08/10/new-horizons-4566732/EllenRipley2008-08-10T13:52:41+02:002008-08-10T13:56:21+02:00 <p>I had one of those moments last night, as I listened to 'bittersweet symphony', and walked to meet a friend I watched the sun set over my home town. What made this otherwise ordinary moment special was that I had a realization. Last weekend I had met a co worker who I had been attracted to for a while, but knowing he was waay out of my league and would never be interested in being with me romantically or otherwise (due to the fact he was 25 and I was 18), and things sparked. We spend the whole night together dancing and kissing, and I ended up going home with him. It didn't feel like one night stand but it was, and we both knew that. It hasn't affected our friendship or working situation at all. </p> <p>You're probably wondering why I've gone off on this seemingly random direction, but its all connected. You see this night marked the begining stages of the realization which would later finalize in my mind. This past week, I haevn't had the urge to tlak to colin, I haven't cried over him nor have I thought about him. I even deleted all the messages from him on my phone, a task which may seem silly, but as I read them all for one last time it was like re-living our entire relationship, and as I watched them delete, I cried. Not because I was sad, but because I knew that I was finally getting over him, and claiming a piece of myself back. </p> <p>Anyway, as I walked to meet my friend, the realization which finalized itself came out in the form of lots of little thoughts. I thought to myself, it wasn't the fact that i had slept with calum (the co-worker)that I had gotten over colin, it was the fact that I had remembered how good life was before colin, and also how amazing it still could be after him. I am young, and I many great things await me. Whereas before I had thought that completely erasing him from my memory was the only cure to finding myself again, I now began to see that this would solve nothing. The pain I had felt had enabled me to feel alaive, and now with this realization I felt like I was breathing again, or being re-born with a new perspective on things. Perhaps breaking up does have a good point. Through this experience I had found another peice of the puzzle and gotten to know myself better. </p> <p>Would I make the same mistakes again? Probably, Would I have my heart broken again? Yes, and I will probably go throught the exact same process if not a worse one, but I know now that pain can be turned into a postive thing. I needed to learn all this on my own, others told me again and again that I would feel better, and that I didn't need him, but had I just accepted this I would have missed this realization. </p> <p>I am back, I am alive again and this time I'm happier than I was even before colin. Life is good and I can see that, I don't have a dark tinge on my view of the world anymore. I have awoken from the coma of misery. I am me. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk/2008/08/10/new-horizons-4566732/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk,2008-07-24:/2008/07/24/waiting-for-our-ship-to-come-but-our-shi-4494586/EllenRipley2008-07-24T21:37:42+02:002008-07-24T22:28:17+02:00 <p>I've started sleeping on his side of the bed, I somehow find comfort in it, and find it helps cure my insomnia far better than any sleeping pill does. Sometimes I think I can still feel the imprint of his body in the matress. A lot of my thoughts still belong to him, and though I don't talk about him anymore because I can hear everyone around silently sigh at the mention on his name, I still find myself relating everything to him, or wondering: what would it be like if colin was here, in this moment?</p> <p>I have a single photo of him which I keep in a drawer under books, each time I put it away I secretly hope I'm hiding it so well that the thought of him will disappear along with it. I always find it again. And even when I don't have the photo, every part of him still exists in my mind, like I've taken a polaroid of every part of him and it's been infused in my brain, so even if I wanted to forget, I couldn't. </p> <p>Have you ever seen that movie with Kate Winslet and Jim Carey? Eternal sunshine of the Spotless Mind I think its called? Anyway, in this movie, two people who are in love become heart broken and decide the only way to deal with it is to completly erase every memory of each other from their minds. It got me wonering, if this actually became a possibility would I consider it? It'd enable me to move on and get on with my life, it'd be like pushing the fast forward button on the horrible period of time after you break up with someone. But then I thought, is the pain not just something we must all go through? It helps make us who we are, it toughens us up for future pain, it helps us discover our strengths. Or does it slowly gnaw away at us? I'm only 18 and this isn't my first boyfriend or anything, I think Colin is just the first guy with whom I let myself fall in love with and get washed away with. </p> <p>Thats the first time I've ever used that word with a boy, love. I've always been too scared to use it, but it feels right.</p> <p>Part of myself is angry at myself. I can't help but wonder if I hadn't nagged, or tried to force him him to talk then things would have been different. After the official break up up, he said 'i havn't stopped liking you', which makes me think a great big chunk of the blame for us falling apart is me. Why didn't just leave things the way they where? Then it came ot me, it was the thunder. I think when you like someone so much, (or as I say, when you have 'the thunder') it almost controls you. You do and say things you wouldn't normally. You become so over whelmed with your feelings for this person that you almost become a different person, because you're so desperate not to loose them. Its like a handful of sand, when you have the thunder its so tempting to just squeze it tightly in an attempt to keep it, but in doing this you're actually letting it slip through your fingertips.</p> <p>Which is why I've decided to see how things go with this other guy. His name is andrew but everyone calls him Smurf, a nickname that goes back to some story from when he was in school. With him my heart doesn't beat faster, my palms don't become all sweaty at the first sight of him, but things are safe, and he's a really nice guy. He reads a lot, he studys sociology, has a good taste in music and is one of those guys you'd usually see in a movie. You know the ones where he starts off a the guy the girl only sees as a friend? I'm still not over Colin, and maybe theres still hope for us, but I can't just sit and sit for something to happen. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk/2008/07/24/waiting-for-our-ship-to-come-but-our-shi-4494586/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk,2008-05-29:/2008/05/29/spewing-words-on-a-page-4242288/EllenRipley2008-05-29T13:09:04+02:002008-05-29T13:09:04+02:00 <p>I think I've began to accept the fact that I'l never completely get over colin, and this is half the battle of getting over something I think. Time will do the rest of the work, and as for me, I know its going to be a tough journey but I'l get there. I know it sounds ridiculous some 18 year old girl getting so working up about a relationship that lasted 4 months, but I let him in, and we really connected. </p> <p>Although it comes and goes, the time where I just think and think and analyse what went on with me and colin and I get upset and cry, but these moments are becoming less and less frequent, and I'm feeling much better now. I need those wee moments where I break down because I'm letting the pain out, and I need to let go. </p> <p>I can't keep forcing myself to believe we'll get together again soem day, even though he's said this is possible when he is ready for a relationship. At first I thought knowing this was a good thing but now I think its holding me back. I need to take some time and just figure out what I want, and what I need and if those two things can co-exist. I once read that you can't really be with someone until you can be with yourself, and I think thats true, so maybe I should use this time and really figure myself out.</p> <p>I'm aware that this blog is pretty much me spewing on a page, but just needed to get my thoughts out somehow, perhaps its my attempt to udnerstand them? I don't know really!</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk/2008/05/29/spewing-words-on-a-page-4242288/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk,2008-05-23:/2008/05/23/fuck-the-pain-away-4213780/EllenRipley2008-05-23T21:19:48+02:002008-05-23T21:19:48+02:00 <p>Sometimes I wish I'd never known colin, it seems like the only way I could have escaped the pain that I'm currently feeling. Not having him makes me want him more, and I know what everyone says, I'l get over him eventually and yeah I know that one day I'l probably be ok, but theres a small part of me, deep down that know I'l never get over him completly. I think theres just some people that once they get under your skin, its almost impossible to get them out, and that seeing them no mater how far in the future will always make my heart beat that little bit faster. </p> <p>The other day we talked, online. Neither of us are great at tlaking face to face, words come out wrong and we don't say what we really mean. He said 'i've not stopped liking you', I told him how hard I was fining it being apart. And strangly we seem to talk the way we did in the beginning. He doesn't want to be in a relationship right now, I just wonder why he let thigns get so far if this was the way he felt. He said that maybe when he's settled in his new job we can start things up, I just don't know if I can wait that long, it already feels lke I've been waiting for too long. I want to wait, I just don't know if I can.</p> <p>The other night a strange turn of event saw my only other 'great love' coming home with me. This time I was in control, thoughthe attraction was still there, the way I had previously adored hm was gone. And tonight we both knew, it was just about sex. I literally wanted to fuck the pain away, thinking it might help me get over colin. If I could be with chris this way, without feeling like he was my everything like before it could give me hope that one day the same would happen with colin. But it didn't, I lay there just thinking about colin, missing all his little quirks. That night I slept on colin's side of the bed, smelling the pillow for the slightest trace of him.</p> <p>Being with chris had only reminded me of howclose me and colin were, and how much we beloged together. I can't describe the feeling but on one hand I felt in control because I now had the upperhand on chris, I left HIM wanting more, but on the other hand I've never been more out of control - if I wanted colin so much why had I found myself in bed with a guy who broke my heart?</p> <p>Colin and I are currently have the 'friends who aren't quite completely broken up' title, and I can't help but wonder, is this shred (a rather big shred though) of hope a dangerous thing? Is it really hope of just another shard of glass wiating to hurt me? Only time will tell.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk/2008/05/23/fuck-the-pain-away-4213780/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk,2008-05-14:/2008/05/14/colin-4173651/EllenRipley2008-05-14T16:47:34+02:002008-05-14T16:47:34+02:00 <p>There's a weight over me today,<br> it's something I have to say,<br> love you too much to leave,<br> don't like you enough to stay. </p> <p>My heads in a mess<br> and I'm stressed<br> but i guess its a test in the quest for happiness<br> and the rest of that mess<br> so i best just acquiesce<br> even though I've grown tired of you </p> <p>And that ain't meant to sound spiteful<br> I'm just trying to be insightful<br> when i write all my emotions<br> In the night all the stuff I try to fight<br> just comes out and the sad fact is I'm so tired of you </p> <p>Love, its a weird thing ain't it?<br> there's no way to explain it<br> but i swear as well as pain<br> there should be joy but we sustain<br> the same level of mundane<br> and its numbing me through </p> <p>i often wonder if I'd miss you<br> and have the urge to kiss you<br> if an issue was to hit through<br> to this heart that now feels disused<br> and said issue was too big to just ignore<br> and i walked out on you </p> <p>the chances are I'd fall apart<br> and suffer seizures of the heart<br> as my chest begins to smart<br> the very second have to part<br> i want to go back to the start<br> but then again maybe I'd just feel new<br> maybe I'd get my life on track<br> and start to focus my attack<br> on all the things my life just lacks<br> and start to claw my passion back<br> instead of living like a hack<br> half committed half relaxed<br> id have nothing to lose </p> <p>There's a weight over me today<br> it's something I have to say<br> love you too much to leave<br> don't like you enough to stay </p> <p>There's a weight over me today<br> it's something I have to say<br> love you too much to leave<br> don't like you enough to stay </p> <p>I guess lately I've had too much time to think<br> and yeah way too much drink<br> when paper meets the ink<br> over thinking is the chink in my armour<br> that's just what i do. </p> <p>And I've always been that way,<br> forever questioning each day,<br> and every plea that's made,<br> that maybe when i lay my busy mind will make me prove,<br> by finding problems and reasons,<br> that might not be true.(?) </p> <p>See we got together so young,<br> before our real lives had begun,<br> but flowers don't grow up as one,<br> each finds its own way to the sun,<br> and that's exactly what we've done. </p> <p>We've grown up separately too, </p> <p>And for a few years now it's been the problem,<br> and these realisations,<br> i wish that i could stop them,<br> but I've realised that love is all we have in common,<br> and deep down you know that's true. </p> <p>But then surely that I'm still in love with you,<br> means there's something we can do,<br> to get us through and to pursue,<br> a brand new point of view on how this gap grew,<br> between me and you. </p> <p>So there's a weight over me and i'd hate to have to leave<br> but in fate i don't believe and the state of you and me,<br> isn't great as you can see.....<br> so i'll keep thinking this through. </p> <p>There's a weight over me today<br> it's something I have to say<br> love you too much to leave<br> don't like you enough to stay </p> <p>There's a weight over me today<br> it's something I have to say<br> love you too much to leave<br> don't like you enough to stay </p> <p>There's a weight over me today<br> it's something I have to say<br> love you too much to leave<br> don't like you enough to stay</p> <p>by dan le sac verses scroobius pip </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk/2008/05/14/colin-4173651/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk,2008-05-14:/2008/05/14/our-own-separate-ways-4173619/EllenRipley2008-05-14T16:41:14+02:002008-05-14T16:41:14+02:00 <p>Yesterday I met colin after college, as I waited I felt nervous, a feeling that I hadn't felt with him since the very beginning, except this time, it wasn't in an exciting kind of way. We went to the cinema and watched a movie, on paper it was just another date but there was something missing, the magic. I longed for it, but it couldn't be forced, it had just dying out and I knew, deep down it was time for this to end. </p> <p>There was still that tiny piece of hope and I clung to it, then he said 'I think I'm gonna get the 9 ockocl bus', so he didn't want to come home with me, I knew the words were coming, but I wasn't prepared. As we walked I brought up the topic of what was going on, I knew he would never be able to do it on his own, i just asked him to be honest, and he was. 'It's just dryed out I think', I knew these words were envitable but the impact they would have was somewhat delayed. For a while it just felt like normal, I cracked a joke and let out a funny memory, 'I hope we can still be friends', 'we will, I think it was better when we were friends'. I knew this wasn't true, but it was the most painless way to put it. </p> <p>Like I said, I was fine, he got his taxi after missing the bus, and I waited for mine, and as he drove away, in the red taxi, I watched, I felt lke I needed one last kiss, just to say goodbye. My taxi arrived and I got in, the impact of what had just happened finally hitting in, and the taxi driver kept trying to make conversation with me but all I could think was 'don't cry, suck it in'. When i got home, i walked in, closed the door and let go, I leaned against the door and let all the pain out. Within seconds my face was red and the tears become unstoppably, all I could think about was colin, and the words he said kept replaying over and over in my head. I slept in his shirt that night, desperate for him to walk through my door and tel me it was all just a bad dream.</p> <p>I barely slept last night, I couldn't stop crying and its all I've felt like doing all day today. Every little thing reminds me of him, how am I supposed to get voer him when I'm constantly reminded of him? </p> <p>I know its for the best, and I know this will make me a stronger person, but right now, in this moment it feels like theres no hope, like I'l forever be wishing he was with me, and things were like they used to be, but they never will. Oh god, help me now, help me be strong. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk/2008/05/14/our-own-separate-ways-4173619/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk,2008-05-09:/2008/05/09/stranded-with-this-bitch-called-hope-4152918/EllenRipley2008-05-09T17:34:33+02:002008-05-09T17:39:11+02:00 <p>The end is coming, and I find myself delaying the envitable for as long as possible. I'm talking about colin and I, and I know I shouldn't be doing this because its just lengthening the pain, or is preparing me for it? Its kinda of like having a test in school, you're pretty sure you've failed it but until your actually get the results theres always that hope that maybe, just maybeeverythigns gone ok. </p> <p>Afew months ago I called colin my boyfriend, it seemed appropriate and it sounded right, but for the past month or so it feels lke we've been going completely backwards, and I don't know why. If I push for it hard enough, he sometimes shows a bit of interest, but I didn't use to have to try this hard. Its like he's not there, like his body is there but his soul is gone. And cheesy as it sounds, its the best way I can think of putting it, I miss him so much and seeing him at work is torture, because I look at him hoping that maybe he's come back, that he'll walk up to me and give me that cheeky smile that once made excitment course through my veins. Although sometimes he gives hints of this, its not like it used to be, and I doubt it ever will be.</p> <p>Whilst I was in Glasgow two weeks ago, I bumped into a guy I met just before christmas, since then we've had afew encounters but I've only ever thought of it as a drunken kinda thing, until glasgow. With us being the only sober ones in the huge group of people who all knew each other apart from us we sat and talked, for hours. It felt so nice to be having a proper conversation with a boy, and we were completly on the same wave length. That night, we kissed, and it was so nice, he made me feel sexy and confident again, a feeling I seemed to loose with colin. </p> <p>Anyway, we've been talking a lot since, and the other day when he came home (he's in Uni in Glasgow) we went on a date. I remember getting really nervous but I liked it, I missed this part of the dating process. After everywhere closed, we walked along the river to a wee romantic spot and made out, alot. I wanted to spend the night with him, but I didn't want to make the same mistakes I made with colin but doing thingd backwards (and I hadn't shaved my legs). This way, it keeps the doors open for another time. </p> <p>So, colin and I have agreed we need to talk and I know what he going to say, or more to the point what he's not going to say and what I'm going to have to guess. But the fact that I've been on a date with someone else (and we've kissed) and didn't feel guilty perhaps suggests that I'm ready for this to end? I know its going to hurt when things officially end, but I know they have t, it doesn't make it any easier though. </p> <p>I know that in afew years I'l look back at this and wonder why I let myself get in so deep, but at the end of the day, it'll make me a stronger person. Is it too soon to be seeing someone else? I know people say it is, but we have known each other longer than colin and I did, and theres always been that chemistry, and you know, its always darkest before dawn... </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk/2008/05/09/stranded-with-this-bitch-called-hope-4152918/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk,2008-04-18:/2008/04/18/theres-always-trouble-in-paradise-4061529/EllenRipley2008-04-18T13:42:20+02:002008-04-18T13:43:46+02:00 <p>According to the quizes on tickle.com, what colin and I have is special and I'm just being silly. Although it gave me a moments reassurance, it'll take more than a good quiz result tofix the mess that I currently find myself in. The bottom line is, he doesn't care anymore, and though I try to convince myself otherwise, I'm 90% sure. I say to myself he's just gotten too comfortable with me, and thats a good thing, but I can't keep lying to myself. The only time I feel like he gives a shit about what we have, is in bed. Thats all its come too, sex. </p> <p>Perhaps in the beginning I thought that was all I really wanted at that point in time, but now, now I want more, I want something a bit deeper, and this time I'm more than ready. As we sat on the bus into town from his, after a night that in 'bed terms' was mind blowing, I attempted conversation, but there was nothing. He says we're all talked out, but why is his solution to this to just not talk, at all? I need stimulation, otherwise whats the point of talking at all? Conversation is more than just a afew words exchanged with some body language thrown in. With Chris, (the only other person I've ever really completely fallen for) we talked for hours and hours, and whilst we had the same problems colin and I are having, at least we did it with conversation, we talked about everything, and it always semed to be never ending. </p> <p>Perhaps I'm thinking too much, perhaps he's not thinking enough, I don't know. I find myself back in the same position I found myslef just over a year ago, I let myself completely fall for someone without any solid evidence it would be good for me. Brave or silly? </p> <p>The only question now is, do I end it or do I see where it goes? Control the situation or let fate decide? Perhaps Chris had the right idea when he went off with a 15 year old, cutting what we had short, whilst it was still good before it began to control us. He choose control. I'm in so deep right now, what harm will another few feet below do me? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk/2008/04/18/theres-always-trouble-in-paradise-4061529/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk,2008-03-19:/2008/03/19/god-thank-you-3906742/EllenRipley2008-03-19T20:58:37+01:002008-03-19T20:58:37+01:00 <p>It seems my prayers were answered, I'm not pregnant and colin replied to my text, and all within the same hour, and I tell you this: It was an hour of pure relief. Colin's still ill, he's got glandular fever and I know what it does to people and that I'm being stupid when I worry about why he hasn't replied to a fucking text message, how ridiclous can one person be?! Needless to say, I replied within the hour and still havn't recieve a message back so, knowing me, its coming back, the worrying, the silly reasons I think up of in my head... I hate how selfish I'm being, and I'm trying to just ignore it, but its hard to go from talking to someone every day and seeing them at least every few days to then go to having virtually no contact. </p> <p>So, almost everythings great again. I just have a big colin shaped hole in my life, and hopefully it'll be sorted soon? He's not been feeling too great for several weeks now, but he's managed to do stuff, and go out, and he was fine, so that must mean a big part of the virus is over with right? </p> <p>It seems like everyone I know is having 'boy trouble'(or lack of it) of some sort right now, and so some of the girls are planning on going out this weekend, no boys, no talk of boys, just dancing, and alcohol. Nothing sorts me out like going out and being chatted up by other guys, it makes me realize thats not what I want, and at the same time boosts my ego and brings back out a bit of the single girl attitude in me. This is the best attitude to have, confident, sexy and in control. I WANT IT BACK! Why does being with someone mean having to compromise this? It shouldn't, and it wont, and I just need reminded of this.</p> <p>I just wanna see colin, he makes everything not matter, when I see him I don't care about any problems, I've just got to be patient, which just happens to be the thing I'm worst at...</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk/2008/03/19/god-thank-you-3906742/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk,2008-03-18:/2008/03/18/change-3899652/EllenRipley2008-03-18T13:11:09+01:002008-03-18T13:11:09+01:00 <p>What am I turning into? When I was single I loved it. I was the three Cs': cool, calm, and under control. I was the girl guys with girlfriends would flirt with, I liked not being commited and being able to flirt here and there, all the time boosting my ego. I loved going out because I knew all the tricks when it came to making guys want me, it was fun. I always thought those girls with boyfriends who were always talking about their 'other half' were missing out. I never wanted to become one of those girls.</p> <p>Why? Because now that I have a 'boyfriend' I've become someone different. I find myself relating everything to him, the smallest things remind me of him and although this makes me smile, I'm very aware of the person I'm portraying to other people, and I don't like it. When he doesn't reply quick enough or at all to messages I find myself worrying, and all these questions run through my mind 'has he gone off me?', 'is he getting fed up of me'?, 'am I being too in his face here?'</p> <p>I am officially one of 'those' girls, HELP. </p> <p>The other day, a close friend of mine broke up with her long term boyfriend. They were always the 'rock solid' couple you looked upto and wanted to be eventually. Shes in bits, she's miserable, and although I know she's eventually feel better in time, seeing the pain she's going through made me think, whats the point in getting into something so deep when chances are you could end up putting yourself throught this?</p> <p>I know, I know, its not exactly a positive way to think when embarking on a new relationship, but perhaps its something people don't think about enough, and perhaps it could potentially save us from that same pain of having to let go of that special something you have come to love? </p> <p>Now that I making the transition from single, independant girl to coupled up, dependant girl, am I then creating these doubts? Or am I just being smart and looking into the future to save myself from what my friend is going through? All these questions and no answers, the witty girl with all the answers has become something else. Well, theres still a bit of the single girl in me, and maybe change is good? It makes you feel alive, and colin's amazing. I judt don't know, maybe I should just stop questioning everything and let the current take me somewhere instead of trying to hard to row. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk/2008/03/18/change-3899652/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk,2008-03-16:/2008/03/16/just-one-little-thing-3890136/EllenRipley2008-03-16T20:44:18+01:002008-03-16T20:44:18+01:00 <p>Everythings perfect right now, still. Works going well, college is also going well, and i'l be finished soon, I'm moving out this year (in two months), I'm seeing soemone I reallly like and who makes my life so much better, and I'm sorted for money as I've sold my shares, AND due to my healthy eating and regular exercise have managed to fit into my size 8 trousers! I have absolutly nothing to complain about, except one thing. I'm late, almost two weeks late. </p> <p>I've had a scare like this before, where I was quite late and took not one but two tests and I wasn't pregnant. This time isn't much different really, and I am carefull, its just this one time where there was a wee accident. It wasn't really anything, and we still used protection but its becoming a nag in my mind now. I'm sure I'll be ok, but theres just always that worry, at the back of my head. </p> <p>I know some people say that once you are pregnant, you might change your mind, but I know myself well enough to know that I could never have a baby. Not only am I not ready, but I don't think I ever do want to. And I know that if it turned out I was pregnant, I have friends (and colin) who would be there for me if I did need to do something about it. I haven't told colin about my suspicion, and I only will if I have to.</p> <p>Its just that wee nag in the back of my mind thats attepmting to ruin my almost perfect life right now. I'l be fine, I know I will, won't I? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk/2008/03/16/just-one-little-thing-3890136/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk,2008-03-12:/2008/03/13/having-everything-v-being-independent-3868297/EllenRipley2008-03-13T00:19:13+01:002008-03-13T00:19:13+01:00 <p>Yesterday started shit, work was crap and I seemed to be constantly getting moaned at for the smallest, insigfinicant things, and the assistent manager kept implying I was useless and did everything wrong. Ok, so perhaps its paranoia to a certain extent but it must come from somwhere right? Anyway, needless to say, I wasn't in the best of moods by the time I got to college for an afternoon lecture. During the lecture, due to my mentally dead brain, I didn't come across well when I was asked questions, I came across as a complete idiot in fact. My friend, on the other hand, knew everything.</p> <p>We were usually about the same when it came to this kinda thing, then it became clear, she actually had time to study, she didn't have a job and the bursary she got from the college funded everything she needed (nights out, clothes etc), whenever she needed cash or anything her parents sorted her out so she was never in need, so she had a lot of time on her hands. I on the other hand, lead the exact opposite life. I work whenever I can, including all weekend, and a lot of the time I'm not in college. On top of that I have to pay rent, get buses (her parents bought her a car which they pay for in terms of insurance and petrol), I don't get a bursary so my pay has to cover everything. I only ever borrow money off my parents if I can pay it back the next month. And perhaps its my paranoia coming back, but whenever I decide to take the odd morning off college, and miss one class, I always get the feeling she looks down at me. </p> <p>Everyone needs a mental health day every now and again, and I can only get ever get a lie in if I decied to do this. I work weekends, and have college every day of the week, and I constantly feel like I have to justify myself to her when really I think she should be justifying herself to me. Its terrible I know, and I keep getting told that people like this will struggle when they hit the 'real world', but will they? Is my constant 'money going out' thing really teaching me anything? Or is the only difference between her and me that I'm loosing money? Will the fact that I'm living pretty much independantly and she is not really have any effect on our lives in the future, and how exactly do I have the advantage here when I'm the one loosing money, and shes the one gaining it?</p> <p>Questions, questions, questions, and I guess the answers will come in time, but until then, why is this so dam un fair? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk/2008/03/13/having-everything-v-being-independent-3868297/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk,2008-03-10:/2008/03/10/becomeing-one-of-those-girls-ain-t-so-ba-3849723/EllenRipley2008-03-10T17:19:19+01:002008-03-10T17:19:19+01:00 <p>I just had the best four days ever. As I waited to meet him at the train station, I had that feeling again, like I was in some cheesy movie, well, perhaps not cheesy but you know those movies where two people discover each toher and it seems like fate? I saw him walking over to me and I smiled, and he smiled back. We bought our train tickets (£50 bloody quid for a 3 hour train journey!), and got on the train minutes before it left, the whole journey I barely listened to music as I usual do on long journeys, each others company was all we needed, and we did was laugh. </p> <p>When we got to our hotel room in Glasgow, we couldn't keep out hands off each other, but we managed to for long enough so we could go for a meal before going out later, he paid. We decied to have a few drinks at the hotel before going out to meet a close friend of mine whom he kind of knew too. As we listened to a song he something that made me smile, the lyrics were 'thou shalt not go into the woods with your BOYFRIENDS friend, take drugs and cheat on him', and he said' remember that yeah? haha'. 'So your my boyfriend now?' I thought to myself. When we were out, we were a couple, and I loved it. We just kept looking at each other, both excited about just getting back to the hotel room.</p> <p>Of course it goes without saying that, that night was amazing. And the following day also, and I can now say I am no longer a subway virgn, haha!</p> <p>On the train journey home, we had had a wee fumble whilst his jacket was over us both, the thrill of being in a public place was great. That night, I went back to his, and meet his mother, who already knew my name. The way she acted towards me indicated that not only had colin told his parents about me, but me had spoken about me in a 'she's my girl' kind of way. For two days straight, I just stayed at his, and we watched about a bazillion movies, talked about anything and everything, and spent about 70% of this time in bed. It was amazing, I've never felt so comfortable with anyone in my life. I didn't care about wearing make up or anything, he kept telling me how good I looked, and that I didn't even need make up. I loved waking up to him each morning, and the way we just held each other until ridiculous hours of the day, when we would get up only to shower and watch even more movies. I even had to borrow his clothes cause I ran out. </p> <p>The whole time we spent together he kept saying the sweetest things whicj indicated that we had corss the line into the 'boyfriend/girlfriend' label. And I was more thna ready for it, and it just felt right. H e refered to me as 'his girl' and I can't even begin to describe how happy this amde me. I joked about my 'ther boyfriends' and he was like 'don't even joke..' We talked alot, and told each other that there was no one else, just you. It was amazing.</p> <p>The time came for me to go home, and as I waited for a lift into town, we sat in his living room eating pizza and watching scrubs, he put his arm around me and we snuggled, as if to show me off to his parents. And as we said goodbye, we kissed. On the way home, I was even invited to the reception of a family friends wedding (by the family friend) as colins 'plus one'. This means something, his whole famil pretty much know about me, know me as his 'girlfriend'. I never thought I'd become one of 'those' girls, but I have, and you know what, I've never been happier. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk/2008/03/10/becomeing-one-of-those-girls-ain-t-so-ba-3849723/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk,2008-02-23:/2008/02/24/his_name_is_colin_and_i_hope_he_never_fi~3771054/EllenRipley2008-02-24T00:21:35+01:002008-02-24T00:24:52+01:00 <p>I did something stupid last night, I got carried away with the openness me and 'thunder boy' have and let too much spill. I mean really personal stuff that I shouldn't tell anyone, things that I haven't really gone over properly in my own head. I told him about my extreme highs and lows, and my paranoia. It was like a salesman trying to sell something and pointing out all the reasons why you SHOULDN'T buy his product. How the hell could he still be interested?! On one hand, it's nice that I feel comfortable enough with him to shares these personal thoughts, but it is too much to reveal, and too soon?</p> <p>I feel like I keep coming back to the same point with every boy, I let them see too much. I don't like what comes out when I feel comfortable enough with someone to do this, its almost not the person they first met. Well, it is, but more emphasised. </p> <p>The sweet thing was that when I spilt these things to him, after worrying I'd said too much and possibly scared him off, his reply wasn't the 'whatever' I'm used to getting. Not many people can handle me, ' i can handle you' he replied. He knows exactly how to deal with a situation when I feel myself sliping into a bad mood, and if I feel upset about something he picks up on it. And instead of feeding it, he just puts up with it, he helps me. I've never met anyone like this, I can't believe my luck. </p> <p>Don't get me wrong, theres still a faaaaar way to go, but I like how things are progressing. We've even organied a wee trip away for the weekend in a couple of weeks, I can't wait! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk/2008/02/24/his_name_is_colin_and_i_hope_he_never_fi~3771054/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk,2008-02-18:/2008/02/18/enjoying_the_ride~3745881/EllenRipley2008-02-18T18:25:26+01:002008-02-18T18:25:26+01:00 <p>It feels like forever and a day since I wrote here, I guess I didn't need to. I like writing how I'm feeling because it helps get thoughts out in a healthy way, and somehow makes them easier to understand. I'm writting here now because I want to, not because I need to, and I'm so happy. I know these words sound simple, but it is simple. Right now, in this moment everything is right with the world, and these are the moments that make life worth living.</p> <p>I haven't won the lottery, I haven't been discovered by a big record company and signed a million dollar record deal, I just have nothing to complain about. College is going really well, I'm studying and seeing results, my sister and her boyfriend have moved out and there is now a feeling of peace at home, but most of all, I've met a boy who makes everything seem perfect. </p> <p>Ifound the courage to ask THAT question, 'what are we?', and at first was dissappointed by the answer, 'can i be honest with you? i don't really want a relationship right now, i'm not ready, but i want to see you, only you and maybe one day'. I lay there beside him thinking two words 'not again'. But as I thought about it, and we talked more abaout it, I realized this was the perfect answer. I always rush into things, and relationships with disasterous results, and perhaps taking things slowly meant we could really get to know each toher and become something. I didn't want to get married or anything, I wasn't expecting him to suddenly say 'oh lets be in a relationship now', i guess I didn't know what I wanted, and its hard to know the answers if you don't really understand the question. </p> <p>Its been afew weeksn since then, and we've just enjoyed each others company, and are getting to know each other properly. We have thunder and it hasn't died and is showing no signs of dying. Maybe sometimes the journey should be enjoyed not rushed, otherwise you migt miss the view. Our bond has tightened, I feel completly comfortable around him, which I rarely feel with anyone, even close friends. We talk about everything without fear of being judged or it going any further. Its no longer a ball game, with the ball going back and fourth into each other courts, we both tell each other how we feel, not only through words but through actions. Its like before anything happens, we're become best friends, and I love it.</p> <p>Sometimes it drives me crazy how much I like him, but the crazyness wakes me up, and I think I'm just going to enjoy the ride without worrying about where we're landing. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk/2008/02/18/enjoying_the_ride~3745881/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk,2008-01-25:/2008/01/25/just_some_random_ramblings~3632887/EllenRipley2008-01-25T22:02:22+01:002008-01-25T22:02:22+01:00 <p>I'm reading a Chuck Klosterman book for the second time now, why? Well not only is it a good read, but it exercises my brain. It gives me cause for thought in a 'Oh yeah, I never thought of it like that' kinda way. I once read read about his theory that when you're in love, or breaking up (or whatever), every song you hear seems to fit your situation. I decided to put this theory to test whilst the previous thunder boys' bad habits were making me miserable. Its true. Every song I heard I seemed to twist in my head so that it could be the soundtrack of my misery. </p> <p>In the chapter I'm currently reading, he talks about the success of the real world, compared to that of big brother. (Although in the britain big brother is obviously better known blah blah blah...) Shamefuly as it is, I do actually enjoy those mtv shows like the Hills, or Laguna Beach, far more than big brother. To me, Big Brother is just people living in a house, its boring. I never thought about why, and Klosterman believes this is because on those mtv shows, we are told how to feel, through the music. Without music, life is just a boring journey through which we venture not knowing exactly how we should be feeling. </p> <p>I'm aware that this blog is a rambling of nothing more than someone elses interesting thoughts, watered down and with some shit thrown in, but I'm bored, and am trying desperatly to prove to myself that I can think about other things other than THAT boy, and I can, see? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk/2008/01/25/just_some_random_ramblings~3632887/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk,2008-01-24:/2008/01/24/dilemma~3627732/EllenRipley2008-01-24T20:58:49+01:002008-01-24T20:58:49+01:00 <p>So me and thunder boy, (to be named at a later date) seem to be moving along well, we've had our first offical date as apposed to just hanging out or going to parties toegether. The game's still rolling, the ball's being thrown into each others courts so quickly if af if its not being played at all. I keep thinking I want to ask that question 'what are we?', and sometimes it feels like the right time, then I think about it and this question marks the end of the beginning. We're both enjoying this stage, and I know if I speed it up we'll both get bored, and it'll all have been a waste.</p> <p>Theres another reason, whilst we're in this stage, I don't have to feel guilty about the fact I was (am still am kinda) seeing the soundguy. He's coming up to stay in glasgow with me for afew days in two weeks time. We're sharing a hotel and I know exactly what he's expecting, and he's quite right too. Every time he's in glasgow with the band, we stay together and have a great time, and I love it. But now its different. With everything organised how do I on the night tell him this? I think by getting completely shit faced so that he won't want to sleep with me might work? I don't know, I'l just have to improvise I think. As long as I don't tell the truth, I'l be fine.</p> <p>I feel a part of me screaming 'go with the soundguy!', he's really into me, we have a great time together, he's great in bed, and he's willing to travel a great distance to see me, he pays for everything...<br> But with thunder boy, theres thunder. He's sweet and funny and I count the minutes until I get to se him again, not to mention the fact that he lives in the same city. I've already made the choice, I'm just to chicken to follow through with it, and for as long as possible I'l do nothing about it.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk/2008/01/24/dilemma~3627732/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk,2008-01-15:/2008/01/15/whats_happening_to_me~3581900/EllenRipley2008-01-15T19:28:49+01:002008-01-15T19:28:49+01:00 <p>For my past few blogs I've been banging on about the 'thunder', and its irrating me because its all I can seem to thnk about lately, well he is. I hate the person I become when I met someone I have thunder with, I become obsessed, paranoid and anxious. Not the person I want to be seen as, and it in effect ruins any chance of a relationship, was it my own fault it didn't work out last time?!</p> <p>I once read that when two people are involved, the person in control is the person who likes the other person less, it got me thinking. Does this mean that my lack of control with the thunder boy causes my display of these annoying traits? Whenever I've been involved with someone else, they've always liked me more (apart from previous thunder boy), therefore makeing me the one in control, I liked this. It made me the person that was chased, the person that was worshipped. Needless to say I got bored and all these 'relationships' ended. But even when I meet an attractive guy at a bar, I always act uninterested at first, I like being the one chased. I think of myself as someone who is very good at the act of flirting, my timing, my tricks. I know what I'm doing, and I'm in control. But the thuder completly blows this off the table.</p> <p>As you know, my only ever other experience of the thunder ended terribly, and I thought I'd leanrt my lesson, and knew the rules, but instead I find myself doing exactly the same things as last time, and I can't help myself. I want to see him, I want to touch him, I want him to be lying next to me, holding me. Everything about him I love, and I'm become more and mroe aware of all his little perks. He has me under his spell, and as much as I want to be able to get out, its impossible, or maybe I'm putting myself here, trapped in my own prison because I don't really want to get out. </p> <p>Yesterday we were talking on msn, a thing I hate anyway because its devoid of real human interaction and I beleive half the part of a conversation lies in the body language, and his respones to my messages were short and took a while to appear. It drove me crazy, and it stupidly put me in a bad mood. Whenever I would pull the rope back, he would tug on it lightly, so I'd let it loose again then he'd just drop it. It was frustrating but instead of just signing out I kept doing it. Why?</p> <p>I hate the person I become when I experience this 'thunder'. Its not me, and its deffinatly not the person he was attracted to in the first place. </p> <p>The other night, he came to mine before we both headed to a mutual friend's party. On the walk there the flirting was light but it was there, and he was doing most of it. At the party the flirting continued, and as the drinks continued flowing, the flirting became more and more and we slowly disappeared into a party of our own. When people began going home, and we left, he held me outside and kissed me. It was sexual estacy, my whole body tingled with excitement with just a kiss, and I suddenly rememeber again why the thunder was worth it. As we walked home, he put his arm around me, and we walked closely, occasionally stopping to kiss. I loved it. </p> <p>When we got home, it was pretty much the same sequenece as last time at enw years, only this time we were prepared. As the clock eventually told us to get us sleep (we both had work the next day) neither of us wanted to sleep, we just wanted to hold each other and mess around. The next morning, we reset the alarm afew times, but I knew we'd have to go t go to work, if we both called in sick it would look too obvious. We showered, and dressed. And I felt as though there was a point when all physical contact came to halt. It was like a barrier and it frightened m. That day at work, he flirted in his own secretive way, he would talk to me and be near me as much as he could. It satisfied my doubts.</p> <p>What will happen next? I'm going to lay low for a while, and stop throwing balls into his court, its his turn now, surely...</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk/2008/01/15/whats_happening_to_me~3581900/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk,2008-01-07:/2008/01/07/girl_overboard~3541713/EllenRipley2008-01-07T16:33:30+01:002008-01-07T16:33:30+01:00 <p>I was listening to girls aloud, a guilty pleasure of mine, and in particular thier song 'girl overboard'. It goes something 'girl overboard, i thought i had it but i tumbled'. This is exactly my situation at the moment. I thought of it kinda like this: I'm on a boat, and the last wave that hit knocked me overboard, I almost drowned but I managed to climb back on board, eventually. Then as I'm sailing on, my feet firmly on board, another waves hits (thunder boy), and this time I have the experience of last time, so I hold on to the board a little tighter to avoid falling, but the wave is too strong, so I fall overboard. So there I am, overboard but with one hand gripping on, the question is, should I let go or try climb back aboard before i fall into an ocean of uncertainty?</p> <p>Well, sometimes its nice to go for a little swim. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk/2008/01/07/girl_overboard~3541713/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk,2008-01-04:/2008/01/04/the_thunder_part~3529218/EllenRipley2008-01-04T20:15:19+01:002008-01-04T20:21:39+01:00 <p>Its only been about 20 hours since me and thunder boy last spoke, and its driving me crazy. When we talk online its the most frustrating thing ever, every word he types that appears on screen makes me want to jump in a taxi and go see him. Probably not a good idea seen as most of the time I look like I've just dragged myself out of bed and it might look a a little desperate. </p> <p>Since talking with him more and more, any doubts I had as to whether he really liked me have gone out the door. Could this finally be the time where the thunder can result in an actual relationship? From the start knowing there was thunder I told myself, and a close friend that all I wanted was a fling with him, just to get it out my system. I thought this was the easiest way to skip the pain I experienced last time there was thunder with someone. But now, now things are different, and something I didn't take into consideration was that the boy is different too. </p> <p>I told him about a gig me and a mutual friend were both going too, in a different city, and asked him if he was going. He assumed (or maybe it was the way I asked) that I was asking him along, and now I think we're going and staying together. Though this wasn't planned, I like how this turned out. Oh god, I'm in deep here. Cheesy as it sounds he has stolen my heart and ran away with it, but he's carrying it carefully so maybe I should let him? </p> <p>Would it be completly stupid to let this continue with the knowledge of what happened last time? Or would be be more stupid to stop it here, before things start getting exciting, always wondering 'what if?'</p> <p>I'm going to go for it, whether its me or the effect of the thunder speaking I have no idea. All I know is that its better to regret something, rather than to spend the rest of your life wondering 'what if'. Someone very clever once said 'in twenty years time, you'l regret the things you didn't do, and won't be able to remember the things you did regret'...or something along those lines. S0o true, and if I keep this in mind, I probably will get hurt along the way, but in the long run it'll stand me in better stead.</p> <p>So here I go, a single girl in dangerous territory. Will this time be a success story or another ex to pile on the fire? Hmmm...</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://beautifulgarbage.blog.co.uk/2008/01/04/the_thunder_part~3529218/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>