beautiful garbage

Tuesday are my favourite day of the week, but perhaps the most simple and repetitive. Every tuesday around 10 I get up, go downstairs, make a pot of coffee and watch a weeks worth of recorded episodes of the gilmore girls in my PJs. I sit on the same spot of the sofa and occasionally get up to grab a bite to eat. Then, later as everyone comes home I go up to my room and relax even more by listening to music or googling my latest celebrity crush. This is followed by a ncie bath and a relitivly early night. I love tuesdays.

TOday, however, will be different. Although up to this point the day has follwed its normal pattern, very soon I will begin preparations for tonight, the annual staff christmas party. A night I have been looking forward to for so long I can barely remember the day I bought my dress for it. I've tried the dress on about a milion times since I bought it, I've experimented with various hairstyles and make up in order to look my best on the night. Why is tonight such a big deal I hear you ask? Well, to be honest I was hoping this would become clear to me as the day came closer, but apparently not. Perhaps I'm thinking that it will be the night petrelli finally tells me how me feels about me and all this confusion will be washed away, or perhaps its the night I will truely show him that no matter what comes of our 'encounters' I am fine with it, and the world goes on. Or perhaps, I need to prove to myself that I can still have fun without a male or male attention. All I need is me. And perhaps some alcohol?

I have a theory. This year has been life changing, though nothing particularly massive has happened, on the surface. This year I have grown in more ways I imagined possible in such a short time. The experience with Colin and the pain I felt showed how strong I can be, and made my skin that bit thicker. All the drama with friends, and responsibility I have been given has forced me to grow up, and see thigns differently. I have learnt that the only person in life that I need to prove anything to, is myself. And that I can be my own best friend, and I can get through anything. C all it growing up, call it whatever you want, but this year has been the start of something great.

Therefore, I believe tonight is not just the staff christmas party, its my own personal celebration of the person I have become, and the person I will continue to become. So bring on the amazing dress that makes me feel like a movie star, bring on the alcohol and bring on the cheesy music that I will dance to and believe I and dancing to well when in fact the alcohol is making me belive when I really just look ridiclous. Bring on the good times, and bring on the new year, say hello to me.

The city in which I live is not a bad place, its not far away from everywhere else, its got a variety of shops and a vibrant music scene. Anyone who visits it would love it, yet I feel like I'm trapped in a bubble.

Its hard to describe exactly what life islike here, and to be honest I have nothing particular to complain about. I used to think that it was just my perception that needed to change in order for me to start enjoying life here properly, but it has become clear that whilst I have enjoyey my life here so far, it has an expiration date. People who stay here beyond their mid twenties all have the same symtoms. They all loose their abilty to see beyond the borders of the city, dreams become their master, thought becomes their aim, and as I discovered recently most of them are on anti-depressants. This doesn't surprise me. Its almost like the city begins to eat away at their souls and they become nothing but part of a herd. They fool themselves into thinking they are on top of the game, and that they like their lives, but its clearly evident that they use alcohol, drugs and each other to ignore this fact.

They all create drama from nothing because they are so bored with their miserable lifes that they are desperate for the slightest bit of purpose, and they are unable to see this. Every weekend they go out and over indulge themselves with alcohol and illegal substances in an attempt to escape the realization that they lead non existent lifes, does that make any sense?

My greatest fear? That I will loose this ability of vision and become nothing but part of the herd. Already I have found myself dragged into this dramas which they create and desperate to escape it, I feel myself being pulled in. They aren't even aware of how pathetic they all are, and I feel isolated being the only one who can see this, I can't be the only one, can I?