beautiful garbage

Alcoholics are advised to remove themselves from their current lifestyle when trying to break free from their addiction. When drug addicts try to get clean they must similarly remove themselves from their usual environment in which temptation surrounds them. This got me thinking, how then, does someone addicted to 'love' (or in my case falling for someone) escape this dangerously tempting environment when I have to visit this place every day?

Working with Petrelli has been postive in many ways, we've been able to get to know each other on a friend basis so its been much more cofortable than those awkward first few dates but on the otherhand always seeing each other doesn't give him the chance to miss me. Perhaps I'm getting too ahead of myself here, but I'd like to think I'm learning from past mistakes. The other day I hard the lyric 'if you never learn to read what the signs say, how do you know you're going the right way?'. And whilst I was looking at old photos of work nights out, and I saw a girl who used to work there that Petrelli had slept with previous to me, warning signs screamed at me 'He's a player, don't believe him'. Just one thing, he seems genuine, and there is something between us. I'm not sure whether I trust my instincts anymore, I thought I was safe with colin, thats things would go well and he would never hurt me, and he caused me more hurt than I ever imagined possible.

Everywhere I look, the signs are there, 'nine times out of ten times friends with benefits won't go any futher'. I was fine at first, but maybe I should stop now, before I get any deeper and he doens't know and I get end up getting hurt. Or should I tell him how I feel? You see, to me there isn't much of a difference between my addiction with love, and adiction to drugs or alcohol. I know what I'm doing is hurting me, but I can't stop now, I've had some already and with every drop I get I want more.

Should I continue down this road in the hope that the desination will be different from last time? Or sill I just find myself at the same dead end? Any suggestions welcome!

I had an amaazing weekend, it was just what I needed. Al of the crew travelled through to glasgow from all corners of scotland to spend it together for one of our friens last weekend with us before he journeys to India for afew months. The drinks kept flowing all night and we were all on high spirits, and it felt good to be surrounded by them all at a time when I seem to be unsure of how I feel, it was nice to just escape all that and have some fun with my friends.

Nights out with this group of people always tend to be the most bizarre and crazy. I slept in a bed with two practically naked boys and we all wrestled each other and had each other in absolute hysterics. The banter never stopped, even when the morning came and brought us all some lovely hangovers.

One thing made me shudder a little, the outbox on my phone. I think phones should have some kind of device on them wich disables text meesages or phonecalls if the person making them is drunk. I cringed when I saw the content of messages sent to petrelli, but the amount. We had been texting each other anyway but it seemed to get to a point when he obviously went to sleep and I kept repeating myself. I had no choice but to sent yet another message, I kept it short and sweet 'shit, what an absolute drunken idiot i can be, sorry'. To my delight he replied and a wave of relief washed over that the awkward 'hello' on monday morning at work wouldn't happen. He even text me later that day, andour little exchange of text messages continued late into night, I dropped very subtle hints but to no avail. He either didn't pick up on them, or wanted me to be the one to suggest we meet up that night. Either way, I was a little disspointed but it was probably a good thign seen as I was exhausted after just two hours sleep and the bus journey from hell which had lasted double the time it should ahve due to the weather. Next weekend is looking promising though...

At the age of 18 I already feel tired of this cycle of 'meet someone - get to know them - sleep with them'. Does this mean I'm truely read for a serious relationship? Or does it mean the opposite? I've never been very good with relatioships, and although I'm not blaming myself entirely for their failure, I've come to realise that my paranoia slowly rears its ugly head and silently destroys anys security I had with that person. 'Does he still like me?? - why is he sitting so far away from me? - why is he taking so long to reply to my text?'.

I've been told I think too much, I analyse things over and over in my head, and I know this, yet I can't seem to stop it. Is it even possible to just stop thinking about things? Thinking is dangerous, its kind of like cooking, except I don't put in all the right ingredients, and I chuck in a few thigns I shouldn't - the end result isn't always going to taste nice.

I'm exhausted of repeating this process, and although I'm over colin I still feel numb from the whole situation. At the same time I feel like if I stay away from 'boy world' for too long, it won't do me any good either. I like petrelli, and he likes me, but is it a friends with benfits thing? Or something else? Maybe its time I confronted him? Going on with this thign we have could potenially cause me hurt unless I'm honest with him, but changing it now could cause an end to something before its really started. My mind is like a never ending maze, and perhaps its time to give up and just fly out of it.