beautiful garbage

From now on (or at least for now) I've decided that I won't let my heart make any decisions. This whole thing with Petrelli will be decided by my head because as past records will show, my heart has never quite lead me in the right direction. I'm not saying there is a right direction, and I have learnt important lessons that I won't forget, but I think its time to let my ehad take the reigns for a while.

While my heart says 'go for it with petrelli', my head is telling me to just enjoy this time time myself, and just see what happens. If it happans it happens, if it doesn't, so what? The hard part os controlling the urges, the urge to text him, the urge to flirt with him etc etc. After our first night together afew months back, I was still thinking about colin all the time, so I appeared uninterested in him, i didn't flirt or give any signs I expected anything else to happen. Because I didn't, at that time the only boy I wanted was Colin. And this made him want me even more, so I did the maths.

I can't force anything, and anyway, I don't want anything serious, just something light. I have accepted the fact that if nothing happens, it doesn't matter, and its not a reflection on me. I feel like I'm taking a step forward for once. I'm using my head, and I like it. I love myself, (something which shouldn't be made to sound big headed) and nobody will ever take this away from me again, I won't let them. Life is going good, and I am happy.

The internet is a very dangerous thing, and althought bebo/facebook/myspace pages enable us to have a noosey through people's profiles it can also deliever things to your attention that you'd rather not know. Whilst enjoying my weekly wander through my friends pages, I came across colin's new girlfirneds page, and saw photos of them together. Although I am over him as much as I can be, and wouldn't actualy want to get back together, it made me crumble. I had a weak moment and contacted him, this contact was not welcomed and I ended up feeling comletely ridiculous and desperate.

However, as my friend put it, this is perhaps whats I needed. It was the very final chapter in the book of why I can do better than Colin. Irt gave me the push I needed.

Lately I've been feeling like I don't know if I'l ever really feel the way I did with Colin again. I know I'm young, but every guy I've been with since, theres just been no chemistry there, and these guys (only two!)are hotties!

I was out at the weekend, and was really enjoying myself, and to my surprise as everyone left it was just me and the guy I work with left (the one I went home with only a month ago). I didn't expect anything to happen, but once again we ended up spending the whole night talking, and dancing and I went back to his. This time was different though, this time it wasn't just about sex, it felt like we really clicked. And after a great night, we spend hours the next morning just tlaking, about everything. It was really nice and made me think - what if there is something here?

Since colin, I've not wanted to date anyone, I've just enjoyed being on my own. I've had absolutly no desire to date anyone either. But with petrelli (thats my code name for him at work), it feels right. Its pretty hard to explain I guess. He's a lot older than Colin, he's open minded and ambititous, and sweet. I found it surprising how comfortable I felt with him. But I don't want him to think that just because we've slept together he has to form a relationship with me, I just want to spend mroe time with him, and from the vides I got that morning, I think he does too?

Only time will tell...

I don't really know why I'm writting a blog at this moment in time, I just feel the need too - perhaps in an attempt to make sense of the mass of information currently swirling around in my mind?

The situation with my friend Fro who likes me is still the sam,e if not worse. I'm not sure how much more I can hint that these feelings are not going to ever be returned. If anything its beginning to make me wonder if we can even be friends anymore, unless he can accept the fact nothing will ever happen between us, I'm not sure how we can make a friendship work. It feels too weird now, and all the things I previously enjoyed about his company are begging to irritate me. It seems that the only way for him to get the message would be for me to literally shout and scream ' I DON'T WANT TO FUCK YOU', which seems to me (correct me if I'm wrong) to be a tad too much?

Right now, I can't quite explain it but I don't WANT to be with anyone. I guess it sounds a little lame but I really am just enjoying my own company right now, as well as the company of friends and am just focusing on having fun. I guess I've finally realised that having a boyfriend doesn't mark the cherry on top, but just an enhancement of something that should already be good. Does that even make sense?!

Without sounding big headed, I seem to be drowning in attractive boys who are interested in me. But it doesn't matter how perfect they are, not one of them can fill the void. I'm thinking void is maybe a little too strong a word for what I'm trying to describe, I think I'm at a point in life where I just want to find myself before I find anyone else. I want to feel whole without needed another half to validate this.

Things will be ok, I just have a journey to experience. Its always darkest before dawn...