beautiful garbage

One of my close friends is male, I've had numerous people say that 'we should be together'blah blah blah, and I've always just laughed it off. I never liked him in that kind of way and found it weird to ever think that. But the seed was planted in both out heads and one night when we were both out we attempted to flirt to est the water. I didn't feel anything, it actually felt wrid, almost like I was flirting with a brother. The problem is, he liked it.

I'm a very touchy feely person with my friends, I like body contact and I don't always mean it in a sexual way. This is emphasised when I'm drunk, and I think he has taken all these otherwise normal signs of friendship to mean that there is a possibility of something beyond friendship. Last weekend, I recived a lecture from his friends, apparently I was just leading him on and needed to be straight with him. This annoyed me, why was I the bad guy when not too long ago when I was thinking about exploring the possibility of an 'us' he was saying about how he didn't see the point in being in a relationship, and completly rejected the idea of ever having agirlfriend right now. He said this yet I am the one being condemned for leading him on?!

Apparently last weekend whilse we were all out, he spoke to one of my best freids and asked her if he was wasting his time me, and said I don't know what I want. Maybe I don't know what I want, but I do know what I don't want, and thats anymore boy drama. I'm sick of it, and I can't take anymore of it. If he really cared about me, and was thinking about me, he would know that I've just been through one of the hardest things I've ever gone through, and that the last thing I need is more complication with boys. How am I supposed to 'be straight' with him when he hasn't actually informed ME of these feelings?

I can't help but think he doesn't really like me, he just thinks he does because other people have planted this idea in his head. He thinks he should like someone because he has never had a girlfriend and because I'm the girl he is closest too that person should be me. Yes he is a close friend, but whenever I've tried to tell him things, about how I'm feeling or why, he's not the most available person emotionally.

I just don't know what to do. I don't need boy drama, especially not with something I've thought of as a friend for so long. I' don't deserve this.

I had one of those moments last night, as I listened to 'bittersweet symphony', and walked to meet a friend I watched the sun set over my home town. What made this otherwise ordinary moment special was that I had a realization. Last weekend I had met a co worker who I had been attracted to for a while, but knowing he was waay out of my league and would never be interested in being with me romantically or otherwise (due to the fact he was 25 and I was 18), and things sparked. We spend the whole night together dancing and kissing, and I ended up going home with him. It didn't feel like one night stand but it was, and we both knew that. It hasn't affected our friendship or working situation at all.

You're probably wondering why I've gone off on this seemingly random direction, but its all connected. You see this night marked the begining stages of the realization which would later finalize in my mind. This past week, I haevn't had the urge to tlak to colin, I haven't cried over him nor have I thought about him. I even deleted all the messages from him on my phone, a task which may seem silly, but as I read them all for one last time it was like re-living our entire relationship, and as I watched them delete, I cried. Not because I was sad, but because I knew that I was finally getting over him, and claiming a piece of myself back.

Anyway, as I walked to meet my friend, the realization which finalized itself came out in the form of lots of little thoughts. I thought to myself, it wasn't the fact that i had slept with calum (the co-worker)that I had gotten over colin, it was the fact that I had remembered how good life was before colin, and also how amazing it still could be after him. I am young, and I many great things await me. Whereas before I had thought that completely erasing him from my memory was the only cure to finding myself again, I now began to see that this would solve nothing. The pain I had felt had enabled me to feel alaive, and now with this realization I felt like I was breathing again, or being re-born with a new perspective on things. Perhaps breaking up does have a good point. Through this experience I had found another peice of the puzzle and gotten to know myself better.

Would I make the same mistakes again? Probably, Would I have my heart broken again? Yes, and I will probably go throught the exact same process if not a worse one, but I know now that pain can be turned into a postive thing. I needed to learn all this on my own, others told me again and again that I would feel better, and that I didn't need him, but had I just accepted this I would have missed this realization.

I am back, I am alive again and this time I'm happier than I was even before colin. Life is good and I can see that, I don't have a dark tinge on my view of the world anymore. I have awoken from the coma of misery. I am me.