I've started sleeping on his side of the bed, I somehow find comfort in it, and find it helps cure my insomnia far better than any sleeping pill does. Sometimes I think I can still feel the imprint of his body in the matress. A lot of my thoughts still belong to him, and though I don't talk about him anymore because I can hear everyone around silently sigh at the mention on his name, I still find myself relating everything to him, or wondering: what would it be like if colin was here, in this moment?

I have a single photo of him which I keep in a drawer under books, each time I put it away I secretly hope I'm hiding it so well that the thought of him will disappear along with it. I always find it again. And even when I don't have the photo, every part of him still exists in my mind, like I've taken a polaroid of every part of him and it's been infused in my brain, so even if I wanted to forget, I couldn't.

Have you ever seen that movie with Kate Winslet and Jim Carey? Eternal sunshine of the Spotless Mind I think its called? Anyway, in this movie, two people who are in love become heart broken and decide the only way to deal with it is to completly erase every memory of each other from their minds. It got me wonering, if this actually became a possibility would I consider it? It'd enable me to move on and get on with my life, it'd be like pushing the fast forward button on the horrible period of time after you break up with someone. But then I thought, is the pain not just something we must all go through? It helps make us who we are, it toughens us up for future pain, it helps us discover our strengths. Or does it slowly gnaw away at us? I'm only 18 and this isn't my first boyfriend or anything, I think Colin is just the first guy with whom I let myself fall in love with and get washed away with.

Thats the first time I've ever used that word with a boy, love. I've always been too scared to use it, but it feels right.

Part of myself is angry at myself. I can't help but wonder if I hadn't nagged, or tried to force him him to talk then things would have been different. After the official break up up, he said 'i havn't stopped liking you', which makes me think a great big chunk of the blame for us falling apart is me. Why didn't just leave things the way they where? Then it came ot me, it was the thunder. I think when you like someone so much, (or as I say, when you have 'the thunder') it almost controls you. You do and say things you wouldn't normally. You become so over whelmed with your feelings for this person that you almost become a different person, because you're so desperate not to loose them. Its like a handful of sand, when you have the thunder its so tempting to just squeze it tightly in an attempt to keep it, but in doing this you're actually letting it slip through your fingertips.

Which is why I've decided to see how things go with this other guy. His name is andrew but everyone calls him Smurf, a nickname that goes back to some story from when he was in school. With him my heart doesn't beat faster, my palms don't become all sweaty at the first sight of him, but things are safe, and he's a really nice guy. He reads a lot, he studys sociology, has a good taste in music and is one of those guys you'd usually see in a movie. You know the ones where he starts off a the guy the girl only sees as a friend? I'm still not over Colin, and maybe theres still hope for us, but I can't just sit and sit for something to happen.