Sometimes I wish I'd never known colin, it seems like the only way I could have escaped the pain that I'm currently feeling. Not having him makes me want him more, and I know what everyone says, I'l get over him eventually and yeah I know that one day I'l probably be ok, but theres a small part of me, deep down that know I'l never get over him completly. I think theres just some people that once they get under your skin, its almost impossible to get them out, and that seeing them no mater how far in the future will always make my heart beat that little bit faster.
The other day we talked, online. Neither of us are great at tlaking face to face, words come out wrong and we don't say what we really mean. He said 'i've not stopped liking you', I told him how hard I was fining it being apart. And strangly we seem to talk the way we did in the beginning. He doesn't want to be in a relationship right now, I just wonder why he let thigns get so far if this was the way he felt. He said that maybe when he's settled in his new job we can start things up, I just don't know if I can wait that long, it already feels lke I've been waiting for too long. I want to wait, I just don't know if I can.
The other night a strange turn of event saw my only other 'great love' coming home with me. This time I was in control, thoughthe attraction was still there, the way I had previously adored hm was gone. And tonight we both knew, it was just about sex. I literally wanted to fuck the pain away, thinking it might help me get over colin. If I could be with chris this way, without feeling like he was my everything like before it could give me hope that one day the same would happen with colin. But it didn't, I lay there just thinking about colin, missing all his little quirks. That night I slept on colin's side of the bed, smelling the pillow for the slightest trace of him.
Being with chris had only reminded me of howclose me and colin were, and how much we beloged together. I can't describe the feeling but on one hand I felt in control because I now had the upperhand on chris, I left HIM wanting more, but on the other hand I've never been more out of control - if I wanted colin so much why had I found myself in bed with a guy who broke my heart?
Colin and I are currently have the 'friends who aren't quite completely broken up' title, and I can't help but wonder, is this shred (a rather big shred though) of hope a dangerous thing? Is it really hope of just another shard of glass wiating to hurt me? Only time will tell.
