Yesterday I met colin after college, as I waited I felt nervous, a feeling that I hadn't felt with him since the very beginning, except this time, it wasn't in an exciting kind of way. We went to the cinema and watched a movie, on paper it was just another date but there was something missing, the magic. I longed for it, but it couldn't be forced, it had just dying out and I knew, deep down it was time for this to end.
There was still that tiny piece of hope and I clung to it, then he said 'I think I'm gonna get the 9 ockocl bus', so he didn't want to come home with me, I knew the words were coming, but I wasn't prepared. As we walked I brought up the topic of what was going on, I knew he would never be able to do it on his own, i just asked him to be honest, and he was. 'It's just dryed out I think', I knew these words were envitable but the impact they would have was somewhat delayed. For a while it just felt like normal, I cracked a joke and let out a funny memory, 'I hope we can still be friends', 'we will, I think it was better when we were friends'. I knew this wasn't true, but it was the most painless way to put it.
Like I said, I was fine, he got his taxi after missing the bus, and I waited for mine, and as he drove away, in the red taxi, I watched, I felt lke I needed one last kiss, just to say goodbye. My taxi arrived and I got in, the impact of what had just happened finally hitting in, and the taxi driver kept trying to make conversation with me but all I could think was 'don't cry, suck it in'. When i got home, i walked in, closed the door and let go, I leaned against the door and let all the pain out. Within seconds my face was red and the tears become unstoppably, all I could think about was colin, and the words he said kept replaying over and over in my head. I slept in his shirt that night, desperate for him to walk through my door and tel me it was all just a bad dream.
I barely slept last night, I couldn't stop crying and its all I've felt like doing all day today. Every little thing reminds me of him, how am I supposed to get voer him when I'm constantly reminded of him?
I know its for the best, and I know this will make me a stronger person, but right now, in this moment it feels like theres no hope, like I'l forever be wishing he was with me, and things were like they used to be, but they never will. Oh god, help me now, help me be strong.
