The end is coming, and I find myself delaying the envitable for as long as possible. I'm talking about colin and I, and I know I shouldn't be doing this because its just lengthening the pain, or is preparing me for it? Its kinda of like having a test in school, you're pretty sure you've failed it but until your actually get the results theres always that hope that maybe, just maybeeverythigns gone ok.
Afew months ago I called colin my boyfriend, it seemed appropriate and it sounded right, but for the past month or so it feels lke we've been going completely backwards, and I don't know why. If I push for it hard enough, he sometimes shows a bit of interest, but I didn't use to have to try this hard. Its like he's not there, like his body is there but his soul is gone. And cheesy as it sounds, its the best way I can think of putting it, I miss him so much and seeing him at work is torture, because I look at him hoping that maybe he's come back, that he'll walk up to me and give me that cheeky smile that once made excitment course through my veins. Although sometimes he gives hints of this, its not like it used to be, and I doubt it ever will be.
Whilst I was in Glasgow two weeks ago, I bumped into a guy I met just before christmas, since then we've had afew encounters but I've only ever thought of it as a drunken kinda thing, until glasgow. With us being the only sober ones in the huge group of people who all knew each other apart from us we sat and talked, for hours. It felt so nice to be having a proper conversation with a boy, and we were completly on the same wave length. That night, we kissed, and it was so nice, he made me feel sexy and confident again, a feeling I seemed to loose with colin.
Anyway, we've been talking a lot since, and the other day when he came home (he's in Uni in Glasgow) we went on a date. I remember getting really nervous but I liked it, I missed this part of the dating process. After everywhere closed, we walked along the river to a wee romantic spot and made out, alot. I wanted to spend the night with him, but I didn't want to make the same mistakes I made with colin but doing thingd backwards (and I hadn't shaved my legs). This way, it keeps the doors open for another time.
So, colin and I have agreed we need to talk and I know what he going to say, or more to the point what he's not going to say and what I'm going to have to guess. But the fact that I've been on a date with someone else (and we've kissed) and didn't feel guilty perhaps suggests that I'm ready for this to end? I know its going to hurt when things officially end, but I know they have t, it doesn't make it any easier though.
I know that in afew years I'l look back at this and wonder why I let myself get in so deep, but at the end of the day, it'll make me a stronger person. Is it too soon to be seeing someone else? I know people say it is, but we have known each other longer than colin and I did, and theres always been that chemistry, and you know, its always darkest before dawn...
