beautiful garbage

Tuesday are my favourite day of the week, but perhaps the most simple and repetitive. Every tuesday around 10 I get up, go downstairs, make a pot of coffee and watch a weeks worth of recorded episodes of the gilmore girls in my PJs. I sit on the same spot of the sofa and occasionally get up to grab a bite to eat. Then, later as everyone comes home I go up to my room and relax even more by listening to music or googling my latest celebrity crush. This is followed by a ncie bath and a relitivly early night. I love tuesdays.

TOday, however, will be different. Although up to this point the day has follwed its normal pattern, very soon I will begin preparations for tonight, the annual staff christmas party. A night I have been looking forward to for so long I can barely remember the day I bought my dress for it. I've tried the dress on about a milion times since I bought it, I've experimented with various hairstyles and make up in order to look my best on the night. Why is tonight such a big deal I hear you ask? Well, to be honest I was hoping this would become clear to me as the day came closer, but apparently not. Perhaps I'm thinking that it will be the night petrelli finally tells me how me feels about me and all this confusion will be washed away, or perhaps its the night I will truely show him that no matter what comes of our 'encounters' I am fine with it, and the world goes on. Or perhaps, I need to prove to myself that I can still have fun without a male or male attention. All I need is me. And perhaps some alcohol?

I have a theory. This year has been life changing, though nothing particularly massive has happened, on the surface. This year I have grown in more ways I imagined possible in such a short time. The experience with Colin and the pain I felt showed how strong I can be, and made my skin that bit thicker. All the drama with friends, and responsibility I have been given has forced me to grow up, and see thigns differently. I have learnt that the only person in life that I need to prove anything to, is myself. And that I can be my own best friend, and I can get through anything. C all it growing up, call it whatever you want, but this year has been the start of something great.

Therefore, I believe tonight is not just the staff christmas party, its my own personal celebration of the person I have become, and the person I will continue to become. So bring on the amazing dress that makes me feel like a movie star, bring on the alcohol and bring on the cheesy music that I will dance to and believe I and dancing to well when in fact the alcohol is making me belive when I really just look ridiclous. Bring on the good times, and bring on the new year, say hello to me.

The city in which I live is not a bad place, its not far away from everywhere else, its got a variety of shops and a vibrant music scene. Anyone who visits it would love it, yet I feel like I'm trapped in a bubble.

Its hard to describe exactly what life islike here, and to be honest I have nothing particular to complain about. I used to think that it was just my perception that needed to change in order for me to start enjoying life here properly, but it has become clear that whilst I have enjoyey my life here so far, it has an expiration date. People who stay here beyond their mid twenties all have the same symtoms. They all loose their abilty to see beyond the borders of the city, dreams become their master, thought becomes their aim, and as I discovered recently most of them are on anti-depressants. This doesn't surprise me. Its almost like the city begins to eat away at their souls and they become nothing but part of a herd. They fool themselves into thinking they are on top of the game, and that they like their lives, but its clearly evident that they use alcohol, drugs and each other to ignore this fact.

They all create drama from nothing because they are so bored with their miserable lifes that they are desperate for the slightest bit of purpose, and they are unable to see this. Every weekend they go out and over indulge themselves with alcohol and illegal substances in an attempt to escape the realization that they lead non existent lifes, does that make any sense?

My greatest fear? That I will loose this ability of vision and become nothing but part of the herd. Already I have found myself dragged into this dramas which they create and desperate to escape it, I feel myself being pulled in. They aren't even aware of how pathetic they all are, and I feel isolated being the only one who can see this, I can't be the only one, can I?

Today I could have just stayed in bed, and cried, and blamed myself. I could have just lay there, questioning, and going over everything in head. But I didn't. Instead I got up, and told myself I wouldn't cry, and that I am a strong person now and I can get through anything.

Ever since we were little, my younger sister has always wanted anything I had, and then claimed it was hers to begin with. She's always flirted with my exes, and tried to be-friend all the people in my life. And no matter how mad she's made me, I've always forgiven her because she's my sister, and thats what family does. I've always been there for her, when she got pregnant at 16 and then lost the baby I stayed with her, when she broke up with her long term boyfriend I did everything in my power to make her feel better and let her know she wasn't alone. I've never asked for anything in return, nor did I expect anything in return. This is why her behaviour recently has been so hurtful.

Firstly, as we are sitting eating in town with our mum, and I see Colin's new girlfriend and become a little down because it, she begins to talk about her and how they've suddenly become good friends. Just a short while ago she was at my side, pretending to stick up for me and now she's doing this. This is only the begginning.

Last saturday I decided to stay in, save some money and just watch a movie. She calls me, she's with a mutual friend of ours and Petrelli. I know her, this is something I ahve that she wants, and immediatly my night is ruined. I love my sister but I don't trust her one bit, especially with alcohol in her. Although he's texting me most of the night and wants me to come out, and I wake up to find a list of messages form him, he wants to see me. I later hear about how my sister was hanging round with him most of the night, and flirting with him. One eprson even asked her how long they'd been going out. It annoys me because when I first showed him to her, she said how unattractive he was, and now she's all over him. Its completly humiliating.

The worst of it is that she doesn't even feel guilty about it, in fact she's flaunted in my face that she was out with him and I wasn't. When I first showed signs that I wans't happy with the fact she was out with him, she said 'he said you'd act this way'. I know for a fact he wouldn't say this, and I know he isn't interesting in her in that way, and he was just trying to be friendly to a family member of mine, but she honestly thinks she has a chance. Every friend I have spoken to agrees that she has really crossed the line here. And althought nothing happened between them, I can't even look at him anymore. She has completly ruined it for me, and I hate her. This is the very last straw, and I have NEVER been more serious when I say that I NEVER EVER want to see her again. I don't want any kind of relationship with her. All she does is hurt people, she has laready caused enough hurt in out family and I am ashamed to be related to such an unfeeling, insensitive BITCH.

Alcoholics are advised to remove themselves from their current lifestyle when trying to break free from their addiction. When drug addicts try to get clean they must similarly remove themselves from their usual environment in which temptation surrounds them. This got me thinking, how then, does someone addicted to 'love' (or in my case falling for someone) escape this dangerously tempting environment when I have to visit this place every day?

Working with Petrelli has been postive in many ways, we've been able to get to know each other on a friend basis so its been much more cofortable than those awkward first few dates but on the otherhand always seeing each other doesn't give him the chance to miss me. Perhaps I'm getting too ahead of myself here, but I'd like to think I'm learning from past mistakes. The other day I hard the lyric 'if you never learn to read what the signs say, how do you know you're going the right way?'. And whilst I was looking at old photos of work nights out, and I saw a girl who used to work there that Petrelli had slept with previous to me, warning signs screamed at me 'He's a player, don't believe him'. Just one thing, he seems genuine, and there is something between us. I'm not sure whether I trust my instincts anymore, I thought I was safe with colin, thats things would go well and he would never hurt me, and he caused me more hurt than I ever imagined possible.

Everywhere I look, the signs are there, 'nine times out of ten times friends with benefits won't go any futher'. I was fine at first, but maybe I should stop now, before I get any deeper and he doens't know and I get end up getting hurt. Or should I tell him how I feel? You see, to me there isn't much of a difference between my addiction with love, and adiction to drugs or alcohol. I know what I'm doing is hurting me, but I can't stop now, I've had some already and with every drop I get I want more.

Should I continue down this road in the hope that the desination will be different from last time? Or sill I just find myself at the same dead end? Any suggestions welcome!

I had an amaazing weekend, it was just what I needed. Al of the crew travelled through to glasgow from all corners of scotland to spend it together for one of our friens last weekend with us before he journeys to India for afew months. The drinks kept flowing all night and we were all on high spirits, and it felt good to be surrounded by them all at a time when I seem to be unsure of how I feel, it was nice to just escape all that and have some fun with my friends.

Nights out with this group of people always tend to be the most bizarre and crazy. I slept in a bed with two practically naked boys and we all wrestled each other and had each other in absolute hysterics. The banter never stopped, even when the morning came and brought us all some lovely hangovers.

One thing made me shudder a little, the outbox on my phone. I think phones should have some kind of device on them wich disables text meesages or phonecalls if the person making them is drunk. I cringed when I saw the content of messages sent to petrelli, but the amount. We had been texting each other anyway but it seemed to get to a point when he obviously went to sleep and I kept repeating myself. I had no choice but to sent yet another message, I kept it short and sweet 'shit, what an absolute drunken idiot i can be, sorry'. To my delight he replied and a wave of relief washed over that the awkward 'hello' on monday morning at work wouldn't happen. He even text me later that day, andour little exchange of text messages continued late into night, I dropped very subtle hints but to no avail. He either didn't pick up on them, or wanted me to be the one to suggest we meet up that night. Either way, I was a little disspointed but it was probably a good thign seen as I was exhausted after just two hours sleep and the bus journey from hell which had lasted double the time it should ahve due to the weather. Next weekend is looking promising though...

At the age of 18 I already feel tired of this cycle of 'meet someone - get to know them - sleep with them'. Does this mean I'm truely read for a serious relationship? Or does it mean the opposite? I've never been very good with relatioships, and although I'm not blaming myself entirely for their failure, I've come to realise that my paranoia slowly rears its ugly head and silently destroys anys security I had with that person. 'Does he still like me?? - why is he sitting so far away from me? - why is he taking so long to reply to my text?'.

I've been told I think too much, I analyse things over and over in my head, and I know this, yet I can't seem to stop it. Is it even possible to just stop thinking about things? Thinking is dangerous, its kind of like cooking, except I don't put in all the right ingredients, and I chuck in a few thigns I shouldn't - the end result isn't always going to taste nice.

I'm exhausted of repeating this process, and although I'm over colin I still feel numb from the whole situation. At the same time I feel like if I stay away from 'boy world' for too long, it won't do me any good either. I like petrelli, and he likes me, but is it a friends with benfits thing? Or something else? Maybe its time I confronted him? Going on with this thign we have could potenially cause me hurt unless I'm honest with him, but changing it now could cause an end to something before its really started. My mind is like a never ending maze, and perhaps its time to give up and just fly out of it.

From now on (or at least for now) I've decided that I won't let my heart make any decisions. This whole thing with Petrelli will be decided by my head because as past records will show, my heart has never quite lead me in the right direction. I'm not saying there is a right direction, and I have learnt important lessons that I won't forget, but I think its time to let my ehad take the reigns for a while.

While my heart says 'go for it with petrelli', my head is telling me to just enjoy this time time myself, and just see what happens. If it happans it happens, if it doesn't, so what? The hard part os controlling the urges, the urge to text him, the urge to flirt with him etc etc. After our first night together afew months back, I was still thinking about colin all the time, so I appeared uninterested in him, i didn't flirt or give any signs I expected anything else to happen. Because I didn't, at that time the only boy I wanted was Colin. And this made him want me even more, so I did the maths.

I can't force anything, and anyway, I don't want anything serious, just something light. I have accepted the fact that if nothing happens, it doesn't matter, and its not a reflection on me. I feel like I'm taking a step forward for once. I'm using my head, and I like it. I love myself, (something which shouldn't be made to sound big headed) and nobody will ever take this away from me again, I won't let them. Life is going good, and I am happy.

The internet is a very dangerous thing, and althought bebo/facebook/myspace pages enable us to have a noosey through people's profiles it can also deliever things to your attention that you'd rather not know. Whilst enjoying my weekly wander through my friends pages, I came across colin's new girlfirneds page, and saw photos of them together. Although I am over him as much as I can be, and wouldn't actualy want to get back together, it made me crumble. I had a weak moment and contacted him, this contact was not welcomed and I ended up feeling comletely ridiculous and desperate.

However, as my friend put it, this is perhaps whats I needed. It was the very final chapter in the book of why I can do better than Colin. Irt gave me the push I needed.

Lately I've been feeling like I don't know if I'l ever really feel the way I did with Colin again. I know I'm young, but every guy I've been with since, theres just been no chemistry there, and these guys (only two!)are hotties!

I was out at the weekend, and was really enjoying myself, and to my surprise as everyone left it was just me and the guy I work with left (the one I went home with only a month ago). I didn't expect anything to happen, but once again we ended up spending the whole night talking, and dancing and I went back to his. This time was different though, this time it wasn't just about sex, it felt like we really clicked. And after a great night, we spend hours the next morning just tlaking, about everything. It was really nice and made me think - what if there is something here?

Since colin, I've not wanted to date anyone, I've just enjoyed being on my own. I've had absolutly no desire to date anyone either. But with petrelli (thats my code name for him at work), it feels right. Its pretty hard to explain I guess. He's a lot older than Colin, he's open minded and ambititous, and sweet. I found it surprising how comfortable I felt with him. But I don't want him to think that just because we've slept together he has to form a relationship with me, I just want to spend mroe time with him, and from the vides I got that morning, I think he does too?

Only time will tell...

I don't really know why I'm writting a blog at this moment in time, I just feel the need too - perhaps in an attempt to make sense of the mass of information currently swirling around in my mind?

The situation with my friend Fro who likes me is still the sam,e if not worse. I'm not sure how much more I can hint that these feelings are not going to ever be returned. If anything its beginning to make me wonder if we can even be friends anymore, unless he can accept the fact nothing will ever happen between us, I'm not sure how we can make a friendship work. It feels too weird now, and all the things I previously enjoyed about his company are begging to irritate me. It seems that the only way for him to get the message would be for me to literally shout and scream ' I DON'T WANT TO FUCK YOU', which seems to me (correct me if I'm wrong) to be a tad too much?

Right now, I can't quite explain it but I don't WANT to be with anyone. I guess it sounds a little lame but I really am just enjoying my own company right now, as well as the company of friends and am just focusing on having fun. I guess I've finally realised that having a boyfriend doesn't mark the cherry on top, but just an enhancement of something that should already be good. Does that even make sense?!

Without sounding big headed, I seem to be drowning in attractive boys who are interested in me. But it doesn't matter how perfect they are, not one of them can fill the void. I'm thinking void is maybe a little too strong a word for what I'm trying to describe, I think I'm at a point in life where I just want to find myself before I find anyone else. I want to feel whole without needed another half to validate this.

Things will be ok, I just have a journey to experience. Its always darkest before dawn...

One of my close friends is male, I've had numerous people say that 'we should be together'blah blah blah, and I've always just laughed it off. I never liked him in that kind of way and found it weird to ever think that. But the seed was planted in both out heads and one night when we were both out we attempted to flirt to est the water. I didn't feel anything, it actually felt wrid, almost like I was flirting with a brother. The problem is, he liked it.

I'm a very touchy feely person with my friends, I like body contact and I don't always mean it in a sexual way. This is emphasised when I'm drunk, and I think he has taken all these otherwise normal signs of friendship to mean that there is a possibility of something beyond friendship. Last weekend, I recived a lecture from his friends, apparently I was just leading him on and needed to be straight with him. This annoyed me, why was I the bad guy when not too long ago when I was thinking about exploring the possibility of an 'us' he was saying about how he didn't see the point in being in a relationship, and completly rejected the idea of ever having agirlfriend right now. He said this yet I am the one being condemned for leading him on?!

Apparently last weekend whilse we were all out, he spoke to one of my best freids and asked her if he was wasting his time me, and said I don't know what I want. Maybe I don't know what I want, but I do know what I don't want, and thats anymore boy drama. I'm sick of it, and I can't take anymore of it. If he really cared about me, and was thinking about me, he would know that I've just been through one of the hardest things I've ever gone through, and that the last thing I need is more complication with boys. How am I supposed to 'be straight' with him when he hasn't actually informed ME of these feelings?

I can't help but think he doesn't really like me, he just thinks he does because other people have planted this idea in his head. He thinks he should like someone because he has never had a girlfriend and because I'm the girl he is closest too that person should be me. Yes he is a close friend, but whenever I've tried to tell him things, about how I'm feeling or why, he's not the most available person emotionally.

I just don't know what to do. I don't need boy drama, especially not with something I've thought of as a friend for so long. I' don't deserve this.